Having experienced panic attacks for a significant portion of my life, likely spanning over 30-plus years, there remains a particular enigma surrounding them - at least to me. They can strike at any moment, in any place, showing no favourites. If you've had one, you understand the sudden onset and the confusion that follows until a diagnosis sheds light on the experience.
Panic attacks are often characterised by intense feelings of fear or anxiety, along with physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, and feelings of impending doom or loss of control. These symptoms can be extremely frightening and can sometimes mimic the sensations of a heart attack or other serious medical condition.
These episodes of terror can ambush us without warning, even in the midst of sleep. During a panic attack, the belief that death is imminent or that we're losing our grip on reality can be paralysing. At the time, the fear and confusion I felt were inexplicable, as I had yet to grasp what was happening to me.
While the precise triggers for panic attacks vary from person to person, they're often associated with a blend of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Stress, trauma, genetics, and certain medical conditions all contribute to the onset of panic attacks, according to what professionals tell us via Google.
Reflecting on my own experiences, the symptoms I used to endure were intense. Initially, panic attacks would hit me out of the blue, leaving me feeling like this was the end; I was going to die. You never know why you think like that; an irrational fear overtook me, and I couldn't comprehend why. This persisted for years until a chance encounter in a hotel brought clarity when I overheard someone discussing similar panic attack episodes. It dawned on me: that's what I was experiencing.
My first panic attack, around the age of 15 or 16 or even younger, was characterised by a profound sense of impending doom and death, with no rational explanation for such dire thoughts. My fear of death from a young age would terrify me, and then particularly exacerbated by my grandmother's passing, which likely contributed to many terrifying episodes. Coping initially involved heavy drinking and drug use, which seemed to stave off the attacks temporarily. However, once sober, the attacks returned with a different intensity. The intensity at times was so bad I would often wake up and think, did I pass out? Questions at times that I was unable to answer, At least the attack was over.
With sobriety years later, a new kind of anticipation came in a different format. I would always get this feeling that an attack was building, a feeling I am not 100% sure how to describe it. Still, it was like an emptiness or a nothingness; it was like I was in a place with nowhere to go and no way of escape; it was such a strange feeling, and as soon as I got the feeling, I knew it would be bad. I would not know the time it would be coming or when it would hit; it could be a minute from the initial feeling or even an hour; thinking back, it was like the more I worried about it and tried to push it away, the more severe it would be; if I just accepted it, then it didn't seem as powerful as I would let it come and pass just like the passing of a storm and then think well I am ok I got through another one.
You can see by the way I am talking that I was always expecting these attacks all the time, saying, like I wonder when the next will come and when you have one, then saying well, I got through this one as if you were waiting for the next attack to come. Of course, at the time, I did not realise any of this; I was just so terrified of each attack, then worried again about what the next one would be like and when it would come.
My Symptoms during these attacks were terrifying, heart racing and thinking I would have a heart attack and then die. Profuse sweating and shaking uncontrollably, yet it was the numbness in the extremities of my body that was so terrifying for me; that was super scary. I would try and touch my face, and it was so freaky; it was like my hand would disappear into my face, and my hand was gone, swallowed up by my face it was surreal horror. Then, it would appear as if by magic. I would try to touch my arm to see if I could feel that part of my body, and the same thing would happen: gone again, only this time into my arm; honestly, it is very hard to explain these episodes as each time it could be a little different to the last attack, but the numbness in the body always seemed to be there. These attacks were worse than any nightmare.
When I couldn't feel anything and had lost control of my body, I would just run. I have no idea why, apart from if I thought I was running, I would regain my feelings, yet it didn't always work out that way. There was this one time I started running, and when I was running because I was so terrified of not having any feelings in my body and thinking, how am I running when you cannot feel your legs? And it happened: I fell down face first, luckily on the grass, so after that, I always tried to run on the grass in the event I did fall. That day, falling over regained my feelings again and triggered the panic attack to stop; as I lay there for quite some time thinking about what had happened yet again and why the attack occurred, I got to thinking I would now know what to do next time I had an attack. I will run and fall, and it will be over.
When the next time did happen, I took off running and fell to the ground, and of course, it didn't work; the attack this time only intensified and got worse. It was a mystery with every attack; you never knew how intense they would be or when they would hit, even when you felt it was coming. I could never predict the exact time until they hit, and it was game on again. The unpredictability and intensity always remained a mystery, always leaving me drained, exhausted and scared out of my wits.
This went on for many years; as I have already said in another blog, these attacks were real and terrifying; sometimes I could have 5 or more a day, then it might be one every day or a week, or two, maybe even a month and then bang here they come again, each time it was a frustrating and debilitating sensation to lose control of your body, you were literally as I call it in the hands of a higher force, you had no control over the physical self so it must have been a higher force keeping me safe.
Most of the time after the event, I would sit there and think about why it happened. What caused it? I was always seeking answers. Then, I would talk to God and the Angels for hours on end if I had the time. Their answers to my questions were always helpful but not always that comforting, as they would often tell me that I would have many more of these attacks. I had to experience these attacks as part of my evolution and growth. Still, trying to remember that they would always be there when you are in a state of total panic, it was so hard to think of their consoling words or anything for that matter as all you are trying to do is stay alive from what you think will be your impending doom.
Yours in Love, Light and Blessings.