Experiencing panic attacks has been one of the most terrifying aspects of my life, alongside confronting the devil in another chapter of my journey. It took me 25 to 30 years to learn how to master and control panic attacks, eventually reaching a point where I no longer suffer from them.
My early introduction to alcohol at the age of eleven or twelve marked the beginning of a tumultuous relationship with drinking. By the time I turned fourteen, I was a frequent drinker, and at sixteen, I could hold my own among adults. This lifestyle, however, led to a particular night when panic attacks became a haunting reality. I had consumed a considerable amount of alcohol, and in the middle of the night, an overwhelming sense of dread enveloped me. Convinced I was going to die, I frantically ran outside. I had no idea where I was running to; fear just gripped me. The panic attack ceased only when I saw my mother. This marked the inception of a series of panic attacks that would span the next three decades.
One vivid episode occurred on a sunny day when I returned to my parents' home. Sensing the onset of a panic attack, I rushed outside, heart pounding, feeling that if no one were around, I would die. I sprinted towards the hospital, driven by an inexplicable fear of imminent death. There would have been no one that would have caught me that day. The panic attack only subsided when I reached the hospital grounds, leaving me breathless in the grass, contemplating the mysterious force that had gripped me.
In another instance, I found myself lost in a massive shopping centre. The panic surged as I struggled to find an exit, feeling as if I couldn't breathe and suffocation was imminent. Running through the crowded mall, knocking into people, my only focus was escape. I kept running again, not knowing where I was running. As soon as I saw the exit, I bolted for it and reached the sunlight outside; the feeling of suffocation lifted, and the panic attack dissipated as soon as I saw an Ambulance at the doorway.
Reflecting on these panic episodes, each unique and fear-inducing, I've realised the common thread—they all subsided when I felt safe or encountered something associated with safety, such as a hospital or an ambulance. Though frightening at the time, it's remarkable how these experiences contributed to my growth and self-discovery.
While I can recall each panic attack vividly, I wouldn't change these experiences, as they played a crucial role in shaping the person I am today. Life, with its myriad experiences and challenges, has become a puzzle, and looking back, I see how each piece fits into place, contributing to the intricate tapestry of my journey. These episodes have also reinforced the importance of mental health awareness and the need for a holistic approach to well-being.
Love, Light and Blessings