Around my mid-twenties, I was in Western Australia, below the Capital of Perth, in a place called Busselton. Having moved nearly 3500 km for employment, why did I do this again? I thought this would be the place I could call home; Wrong again. I secured a job out of Margaret River on a dairy farm. My title was dairy herd manager. The farm was set up very nicely, with plenty of acres for the 250 cow herd, plus they ran a few beef stock. The Position was 12 days on and every second weekend off.
When I secured the job, they also wanted me to teach someone about the herd and the goings on of the dairy, as when I had every 2nd weekend off, the person/people stepping in would know what they were doing. I did nearly eight weeks straight for a start so I could teach the couple who would be covering for me to make them confident with the set-up and for me also to get up to speed with everything. Finally, the first weekend came about for me to have off; yes, I thought a sleep-in tomorrow and a few days away from the property.
The next day, my then-partner and I drove to the town of Bunbury, did some shopping, looked around, and went to have lunch. When we were finished, we started to go back to Busselton, where we were booked in for the night at a Motel. We were just about to leave the town of Bunbury. Then it started that strange feeling usual of when I thought a panic attack was building; I tried to shrug it off and popped a couple of pills; the feeling continued to gnaw at me, so I popped another four pills as, at that stage, I was trying to stop panic attacks with popping pills. I was supposed to take only one, and I had already had six.
For a few moments, I thought oh yeah, I am ok. The pills have worked, so off we went to Busselton, which is not far at all; the feelings would come and go while I was driving and seeing as it wasn't far to the town, I kept trying to think that everything was going to be ok as I would have that safe feeling when I got to Busselton. Yet even while driving, I popped another four pills to make sure, hoping that they would work; the total was now ten pills I had taken within the hour. Yet, with all those pills I had taken, still, nothing could stop what was about to take precedence.
We were only a few km out, and the feelings were getting stronger and more profound; I couldn't think. I had no idea what to do; my hands on the steering wheel seemed to go straight through it; I was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. It was not me driving the car, or it did not feel like me; I somehow managed to get to the curb at the edge of town, and then I just flung the door of the vehicle open and ran; my partner never had a clue what was going on; I had no idea of where I was running to as I had never stayed here or been to this place before, except for driving through it.
The panic was now at a record high, my heart was going mad, and I was running so fast but not knowing where I was going, which made the panic and the episode so much worse; I was at the stage where I thought this is the real it, for me, I was going to die, Still running and going faster than ever, all of I sudden I turned left and started sprinting a different way probably in the hope of finding something safe like a hospital, I really did not know, the panic was getting worse, wondering if it could, I was running and no sign of slowing down, the feeling was not of doom and gloom, it was fear and a scary fear. However, death was a high priority in my fearful head; I had no sense of feelings in my extremities at all by this stage, my heart smashing out the beats per minute or second. I felt light-headed, my entire body just felt numb, and I also had tears in my eyes. I did think that this was it; the fear was so extreme.
I turned right and kept running, still not knowing where I was going. I think I had slowed a little but not much, and then, if by magic, I looked up, and in front of me up the road a bit was a church. I still had enough scruples to get there and hope that God would save me; I then sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me and ran into the church's front door. As soon as I got in there, I just collapsed to the floor, saying as I fell God, please save me. I just lay there panting and panting and crying and thinking, what is this? I kept saying over and over, please save me, God. I kept repeating and repeating those words. I know this was a long time ago, but from memory, even while in the church and sprawled on the floor, I think this panic attack lasted another thirty minutes from when I entered the church.
Luckily, there was no one else in the church, or you may consider that unlucky as if someone had been there, I might have felt safe immediately. Finally, I could feel my breathing starting to slow a little and feel that I didn't think this would be where it would all end. I finally mustered up the strength to sit on one of the pews; I looked at my watch (no mobile phones then) and thought, wow, I have been gone for ages, and that was how I worked out how long the attack lasted. I continued to sit there for another 30 to 40 minutes trying to work out how this happened and why the pills did not work, so from that day forth, I didn't use them as a safeguard any more.
All these questions and thoughts were running through my head, and really, no answers were coming forth; all I thought was, will this be me for the rest of my life? And it still was for a very long time after that event. After well over an hour, I found the courage to leave the safety of the church and start walking back to my car. I didn't know where my car was, and I hoped my partner was still in the same place and hadn't gone looking for me. I guessed where the direction was and started to walk that way, and after turning a few streets, I sighted my car and walked back to it.
I was still a bit shaken, and I had worked out the exact route to the car from the church in case I had to flee again. My partner was still sitting there, she was a bit unhappy having to wait for me for over an hour. I tried to explain to her what had happened, yet she either did not seem interested or did not want to know; it was at that precise moment that I knew she would not be a lifelong partner, so here I was still dealing with these horrific bouts of fear and panic attacks when they chose to raise their ugly heads on my own. Back then, I never really had anyone I could talk to about things like what was going on with me; they would have thought there was something very peculiar with me.
We went and booked into the Motel, and I think I laid down at about 4 pm as I was spent after the harrowing panic attack and did not wake up until 6 am the next day. I know I needed it, as panic attacks really sap your strength. This was another of many panic attacks I would have in the next 20-plus years. All I can say about this one is that it filled me with a terror I had never experienced before, this was a terrifying attack, and it lasted so damn long; I have had other attacks last longer but with by no way the magnitude of this attack, and I have had attacks that have been of the same magnitude. Still, they didn't last as long as the one that particular day. This one really shook the life out of me; I was at a complete loss after this episode trying to get answers and Why.
I look back now and see what I have learnt from all the attacks that have come my way, but this one always kept me on my toes, not that it really helped, as it was many years later before I learned to control Panic Attacks to where I am today. It is good to go back and tell what happened and not to feel afraid anymore. I love my life, and I would not change this terror of an attack in any way, shape or form, as it has shaped me into who I am today.
In Love, light and blessings